I glanced outside the glass door today watching my husband Adam’s dynamic asana practice… It wasn’t the fancy asana that I envied but the simple grounding of downward dog.
Since March, my asana, my yoga has changed. I am healing from a herniated disc and still each day as I roll out my yoga mat I am met with the attachment to certain poses. How often do we questions ourselves, what yoga should look like and how we think our bodies should operate?
Before the herniated disc diagnosis was confirmed – I was still attempting downward dog and other asana that I know my body can “do” – these movements, these practices are good for me, I thought. I knew to avoid forward folds and could not approach any twists without the sciatica vibrating down my right leg… and yet for me, downward dog has always been so grounding and reassuring and yet, I learned that right now I have to avoid it.
The first weeks of this new yoga practice brought tears as well as the occasional shooting star of sensation that is most commonly called sciatica. The tears were not of pain, but of frustration. Along with my diagnosis of a herniated disc, I discovered arthritis in my left hip and lumbars… I’ve always aimed to age gracefully – but what about when your body feels less than graceful? When you judge yourself for not being able to “do” the postures you once could or even to sit as you once did?
And right there on day two of this new practice I understood that it was not about the asana but about meeting frustration with grace. And this became my commitment, my conscious intention.
There’s a place between knowing what we “know” as a teacher and our own “resistance” as a being with an ego and/or an ageing body. Every day as I rolled out my mat, to perform what I dubbed as “back exercises” rather than yoga, I found that as I surrendered my idea of “yoga” and allowed myself to feel into my body and not impose an idea of the body (and of course of yoga onto it), something slowly shifted. As much as I teach that yoga is more than asana – more than the body – more than posture… sometimes we need to re-learn it. The mental construct of what yoga is often creeps in.
So it was feeling the movement – the asana – the energy… and that re-introduced me to the felt-sense of practice… the felt-sense of grace.
Thing is, not only were forward folds off the table but so was sitting for any length of time beyond about 5 minutes. No steady comfortable seat for me. But I was drawn to Krisha Das’ description of sthira sukham asanam – to be comfortable in your skin.
So I started to practice pranayama with movement – all standing. Feet grounded to the earth. My focus became breath, sometimes dynamic and navel-pumping exploring agni sara and inner strength; and sometimes grounded into the very soles of my feet. I came back to movements that I learnt nearly 30 years ago – Divine Healing exercises exploring expansive breath and fluid movement.
I teach that yoga is the result of the practice and not the practice itself… Traditionally, yoga was not the doing. There are conscious practices like asana, meditation, self-inquiry that lead to a state of yoga. – a state of being. In our practice, it is possible to quieten our attachment to the body, being the owner of the body; the mind and being the thinker of the thoughts.
I have been practicing for almost 30 years and my practice has naturally changed over those years – sometimes influenced by a new teacher or a new course. Possibly the biggest influence on my movement practice was Angela Farmer – then 80-years-old – and so fluid and spacious as a teacher. I think what I gained most from her 7 years ago was to listen to the body. As we practice, there is space for it to evolve if we allow it. Whether it is through abhyasa (sustained practice), ageing or recovering from injury – our relationship to our practice and our bodies can keep evolving and we might realize that the heart of our practice becomes stronger as we accept the natural process of change.
Interestingly, most recently I came back to a practice that I learnt almost 30 years ago… the Divine Healing movements…
I played around with props for opening and supporting my lower spine in restorative practices, because my trusted supported supta badokananasa was no longer sukham (comfortable). How I found good space (sukham) was through a supported anahatasana (or puppy pose) and I was drawn to the grounding sensation of Stonehenge posture using two blocks and a bolster. It has become about new ways to restore and find support.
What do we learn about ourselves as we roll out the mat… or moreover what do we feel? Can we practice with non-judgment and non-attachment that are the heart and root of a conscious practice of “yoga”? Can we find santosha (contentment) from the simple act of rolling out our mat, no matter what today’s practice looks like?
I remember again, what I teach – santosha – My simple translation of this is – What I am is enough. For years, I have used this as my sankalpa (conscious intention) and again, now I am reminded of how important it is to anchor me to my yoga mat today and every day. I have always thought abhyasa and vairagya – practice and non-attachment to the fruits of the practice to be empowering lessons – but now I feel it.
Sometimes students used to ask me if they can lay down for meditation – and I said ‘no – that’s not meditation’ – but now sometimes I have to. I tune into Hum Sa as I rest on my back – my legs supported. Ham on the inhale – embodying the in-breath… Sa on the exhale – letting go to the universe. Ham Sa – I am That… I am Everything… I am Infinite.. I am Grace…