Boundaries do not need to be explained, justified or defended – simply honoured. Observed. Grounded.
Honouring our boundaries is not simply something we do with others – often it is us that steps over our own boundaries of time and energy – giving more than we can or feel able to. If we do not trust the bounds of our own energy, it could lead to nervous system or adrenal burn-out. We lose a lot because we do not have clear boundaries or I suppose a clear sense of ourselves – a deeper trust in ourselves. So often connected to our sense of worth – we allow our boundaries to be ‘invaded’ because we do not feel that we are good enough. Do we allow our boundaries to crumble as we are in the ‘people pleaser’ mode? Are we often just trying to ‘do’ too much – overdoing or multi-tasking?
Boundaries are sometimes an important mental construct – We need to see where people creep in and we discover we are having an ongoing conversation with someone in our minds – a boss or an ex-lover is still chatting away in your mind. The sensation that someone is getting under our skin – How do we free ourselves of these energetic or mental entanglements?
What are our barriers to honouring healthy boundaries?
Sometimes our need to create boundaries is born out of distrust and a sense of separation – a sense of judgment of others and a perceived judgment of ourselves. In many lineages of yoga and tantra, we are encouraged to see and understand that we are all one – that we are interconnected. So sometimes there is a disconnect between our yogic philosophy and our lived experience – we say that there is interconnection and we deeply want to feel that, and yet we are stuck in beliefs that focus on preserving the separate… the individual #livingyourbestlife
“When we can meet our own vulnerability without armouring ourselves against it, we begin to discover its gift of radical openness. All the higher emotions: generosity, gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, and especially humility – emerge from this place of openness and vulnerability. To recognize our vulnerability is to connect with the mystery of life, and especially, the mystery of how life can be so wondrous and beautiful, and yet so absolutely terrible.” Sally Kempton
To me conscious boundaries are born out of radical openness… or perhaps it is easier to see it as two sides of the same coin. You can’t be truly open without setting conscious boundaries. And if you are closed off in any way (through judgment or separateness) the boundaries you construct are rigid and obstructive.
Is our energy in fact limitless?
Again if we tune into yogic and tantric philosophy – we have boundless energy – but we do need to contain it, prevent what many teachers refer to as ‘energy leaks’.
For me, one of our biggest energy leaks is that of the inner critic – the realm of our judgments. It is the inner critic who says we should be doing more… it is in the inner critic who compares us to others on the street, in the yoga class or on Instagram; it is the inner critic who says that we can never live up to our father’s expectations… It is here that we need to build conscious boundaries – essentially against our own limited beliefs and judgments of ourselves and the world around us.
Strongly held opinions and our need to be right are obviously at the heart of judgment – and this can in turn fuel not only rigidity, which prevents us from feeling empathy – and that deeper sense of interconnection, but also in our need to protect ourselves from the perceived judgments of the world. We become emotionally reactive (another key energy leak), defensive or on the offence – when we can’t just observe our emotions, when we get caught up in the whirlwind – we feel potentially overwhelmed or out of control.
OK so then how do we define a conscious boundary? Really we should see it as an energetic shield or simply a conscious affirmation – not as body-armouring, not as a defence mechanism – a wall protecting us from the harsh world.
Who do we most often blame if our boundaries are crossed? Ourselves. It is another thing on our task list – to uphold this work/relationship/ family/ me-time dynamic…
“You do it to yourself, you do… and that’s what really hurts.” Radiohead. I’ve always wanted to quote this – and right now, it is so right…
Having conscious boundaries needs constant tending… it is not a one-size fits all for every relationship or situation. Although through yogic inquiry and meditation, you might start to see your most common patterns – where you get overwhelmed by others, or your self. Yoga helps us to see how our judgmental nature can distract us and how we might get entangled in someone else’s story or more deeply ensnared in trying to hold tightly to our own story.
Conscious boundaries also are not there to prevent us from feeling. They are there to start the journey of honouring our feelings, our energy and how we can create a deeper connection with others. That deep connection with others can be born out of respect for our own energy, time and vulnerability.
Our next blog w will look more at the beauty of vulnerability… but just to quote Sally Kemton now… . “The practice of opening to vulnerability is not for wimps. It’s an advanced practice, requiring strength, discernment, and appropriate boundaries – all qualities that our yoga practice will give you, if you give it time.”
So how does yoga create the conscious boundary?
Through dharana (focus) and meditation we create an awareness of how we often allow our thoughts to wander (a key energy leak) and how we often discover that we are preoccupied with an old story. Self-inquiry will often show us where our key energy leaks and preoccupations reside. Working with meditation, visualization and mantra builds self-compassion, inner strength and core awareness – they also help us focus on allowing things to flow and understanding energetic boundaries.
I questioned earlier, how we can set conscious boundaries in the face of pre-occupiying thoughts and mental entanglements – I think working with sankalpa (conscious intentions) that train the mind and bring clarity and focus – the beauty of discernment. Again I am reminded of my very simple personal sankalpa – I am Whole. It is a beautiful affirmation for creating conscious boundaries. I am Whole implies that there are no leaks and that what I am is enough… (you can read our blog on Sankalpa here)
Going back to energy leaks – “Once you know what the main energy leaks are,” says Hareesh Wallis. “You can set about plugging them. If you manage to plug most of them, you will experience something astonishing; the very same yogic practices you’ve been doing all along now seem to generate much more power, energy, prana. In fact, they’re not generating more, you’re just not leaking it away.”
We will explore Honouring our Boundaries in a series of workshops – check it out here or…
Try this awareness practice now – Boundaries Awareness Practice – Working with our Electromagnetic Field.